American Horror Story 13 review: Jessica Lange is back for a greatest-hits season that forgets to be scary

Well, here we are again: American Horror Story has reached its inevitable 13th season. If you’re thinking the show might get clever with that unlucky number, you won’t be disappointed—though you probably won’t be surprised, either. It’s a monster-sized crossover, packed with more returning faces than you can shake a stick at, including the much-hyped return of Jessica Lange as Constance Langdon. But don’t let all the candles and pentagrams fool you: this is less a daring reinvention and more the TV equivalent of a greatest hits album. Or, if you’re less generous, a slightly half-hearted farewell tour.

American Horror Story: 13 launches with an oversized three-episode premiere on 24 September – and for once, those first three episodes barely crack ninety minutes in total.

Opening Night: Welcome to Thirteen

So, what's Murphy up to this time? After 13 seasons, you can hardly blame him for indulging in a bit of nostalgic fan service. The premise is as daft as it is on-the-nose: there are more nods to the number thirteen than you could count before your patience snaps. The story kicks off with Benjamin DeSoto (Joey Pollari), a home hospice nurse with a textbook case of triskaidekaphobia (that's fear of the number thirteen, for you and me). His girlfriend, Kira (Madelaine Petsch), is predictably obsessed with the number, just to wind him up even more. Their relationship is pretty much doomed from the opening scene, given the show's love of heavy symbolism.

Ben signs on for a night shift looking after a certain Mr. Nas, a pensioner with suspiciously horn-like nubs on his head, being looked after in turn by none other than Constance Langdon (Lange, back at last), and a phlebotomist named Mr. Phibes (yes, it's John Waters of all people). Before long, Ben is stumbling into one weird experience after another, as the script cuts between him, a returning coven of witches (Cordelia Goode and Madison Montgomery played by Sara Paulson and Emma Roberts), and everyone's least favourite children's entertainer, Twisty the Clown (John Carroll Lynch).

Plotting the Crossovers

If you're hoping for completely fresh ideas, lower your expectations. Most of these new episodes are glued together by references to Coven, Cult, and Murder House, with occasional winks at the rest. Yes, the cast is stacked—with multiple characters played by the same actors in the same scene, so Sara Paulson and Evan Peters are truly earning their money. But as busy as the casting is, there's a lingering feeling the story is absolutely treading water. It's not the first time they've fused seasons; Apocalypse did that ages ago, and to be blunt, did it with more verve.

Read more: Sarah Paulson’s least favourite American Horror Story season is Ryan Murphy’s favourite

The episodes are thirty minutes each this time, which is new. This feels like a weird play until you clock that it exists purely so they can eke the thing out to—yes—thirteen chapters. The first three episodes together barely scrape ninety minutes, and you could turn the recurring thirteens into a drinking game (might make the experience go quicker, to be honest). Bizarrely, some of the biggest legacy names (Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Gabourey Sidibe) are missing in action for now, despite the high-voltage marketing push.

Who's Actually Involved?

On the creative side, Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk kick things off as writers (with Murphy directing), and then handing over scripts for episodes two and three to Ned Martel and Charlie Carver. Directing skews towards Crystle Robertson Dorsey to start, then rotates between Jesse Peretz, Alfonso Gomez-Rejon, Adam Penn and Gillian Robespierre. The showrunners are back on writing duties for most of the back half, so the final stretch isn't entirely farmed out. There's also a return of the instantly recognisable first season theme song, though not much of the old scare factor or genuine weirdness alongside it.

• Jessica Lange reprises Constance Langdon, first season villain supreme
• Sara Paulson and Evan Peters each take on double duty
• Emma Roberts, Billie Lourd, Mena Suvari, Tig Notaro, and Jamie Brewer round out the ensemble
• Major legacies like Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, and Gabourey Sidibe absent (at least for now)

Story-wise, you get a load of cross-cutting between witches, clowns, and haunted houses, but very little that moves things forward. The focus on new guy Ben versus beloved legacy characters is a mystery.

The Vibe: Retread or Curtain Call?

Let's not kid ourselves. The first three seasons of American Horror Story had a knack for being properly unsettling (and at the very least inventive). Past Coven, though, things have tilted firmly into the campy and the deliberately queer, but not with quite the same wild energy. Murphy's shows are rightly praised for having opportunities for LGBTQ talent and stories, but this go-round just feels uninspired. Even the jump scares are familiar by now, and most character designs you'll recognise from previous years—there's a paint-by-numbers feel.

And for those keeping count, this is the longest season since Freak Show back in 2014—not that the extra running time is being put to adventurous use.

If you're wondering whether all this is laying the groundwork for a real swan song, there's already word from Murphy himself that season 14 will kick off with an entirely new cast. Honestly, it's about time. As much as it's nice to see the old favourites lurking about, thirteen years of going over the same haunted ground starts to lose its edge. Maybe a shakeup will do the trick. Or maybe—just maybe—thirteen really is unlucky for some.

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